Last night may well have been the worst nights sleep of my life, and it is not due to the fact I wasnt tired, it was simply because I was high on caffeine. Vicki went on a shopping trip to the Trafford centre in Manchester whilst I remained home watching the Monaco Grand Prix and eating rubbish. Upon her return she had for me a shiny Krups Filter coffee machine for our kitchen.

Now I, like most men, love gadgets. After all they spice up the kitchen no end until its time to clean them, which in turn is time to disappear. To test out this wondrous invention (perhaps the peak of modern mans achievements in my eyes), I threw in a fresh filter, ground some fresh Ecuadorian coffee beans and started brewing. Being a novice at this I ended up completely filling the reservoir. A few minutes later I was presented with a 10 cup coffee pot complete with contents. I couldnt let this go to waste and proceeded to drink a few cups. The great thing about these modern coffee makers is that the built in hotplate keeps the coffee in the pot at a perfect temperature, so its ready to drink whenever you fancy a cup. Coffee drinking became the theme of the day and before I knew it I had consumed perhaps a dozen cups of coffee, and devoured a huge bar of Thorntons dark chocolate. By this time I was buzzing more than a child who is high on energy drink and E numbers. I was literally bouncing off the walls and couldnt settle.

Because we had the mother-in-law staying over, Vicki and I where sleeping in the living room on an inflatable camp bed, which Vicki and I find surprisingly comfortable. However after the intake of so much caffeine sleep is the hardest state to achieve. Also perhaps the weirdest night followed.

Living in a city you get used to more noise than normal at night time due to the increased density of population, but last night was an exception to this rule. We live in a conservation area in Manchester and as a result we are blessed with greenery, fresh air and wildlife such as squirrels. Late last night however, I awoke to the sound of a helicopter relentlessly circling overhead. As I peered through the curtains I noticed a fox on the lawn outside our apartment literally 4 feet from the window. This was a surprise, and the thing didnt seem to flinch until I started waving my hands to make sure it was real. At this point the fox darted off towards the bin recess and I never saw it again. This got me thinking where the hell did this fox live? As if I needed anything further to mull over in my head whilst trying to sleep.

A few minutes later the helicopter returned. Vicki & I suspected that the aircraft was a police chopper, however upon further inspection; there was not a single light on the thing, No search light, no tail lights, and no cockpit lights. It may perhaps have been a Cheshire footballer out for a joy-flight in his chopper? Who Knows?

This joy flight continued for the next hour taking us up to around 1am, by which time Vicki had fallen asleep. Then the crying started.

One of our neighbours, we believe, is an absolute psycho. She seems to exist on a diet of peeled plum tomatoes, and has not one single piece of furniture in her apartment with the exception of a huge filing cabinet. Last night we heard her crying quite loudly, and then we heard what appeared to be muffled whimpers and a slapping noise. We can only assume that she is a sadist who tortures herself for pleasure, or indeed she has a prisoner locked tightly in that cabinet. The noise continued for a further 20 minutes, and has just re commenced as I write this.

The next noise came from the street where a woman appeared to be irate with someone on the other end of her mobile phone. She was screaming down the handset and quite frankly I was feeling sorry for the poor Nokia. She was obviously very annoyed and the person on the receiving end was more than likely the perpetrator of the heinous crime which had angered the woman so. This continued for about 20 minutes then faded. I think this is when I finally dropped off to sleep.

Then joy of joys, 6:30am on a bank holiday Monday, and the waste management company turned up to empty the bins in the recess. Maybe the fox had called them up for an emergency rubbish collection after fleeing to the recess late last night, Maybe the psycho neighbour had disposed of her prisoner in the bins and required immediate removal of all incriminating evidence, including the body. Or perhaps maybe the irate woman on the phone was responsible for this unscheduled emptying of the bin recess, perhaps angered by the smell, or indeed the fact that the litter was attracting foxes. I suspect we will never know why I was kept awake till the small hours and again rudely awakened this morning by the dustbin men working on a bank holiday, All I know is I have had 5 hours sleep, Im tired and I need a pick me up, anyone for a fresh coffee?